There’s something poetic about starting your final year of highschool in a way that defies the norm.

My last first day of school was spent in my room – computer screen reflecting the sunlight that escaped my window. Beyond the glass the outside world, a world in which, in a few months, I’ll be a full member of. While it isn’t the first day I expected, the facts still remain the same…

I am a senior —

and I am afraid.

Afraid of what, I’m not sure. I guess everything is as good an answer as any.

I cherished the idea of this final year. Highschool, like for most teens, was full of enough anguish and embarrassment that I couldn’t wait to escape it. But as the first semester kicks off, I’m faced with the finality of it all. The weight of college applications, essays, and tests, along with the usual school stress, has been enough to make me rethink everything.

When I clear the clutter off my desk — and in my head — at the end of the day, that sense of fear is still there. Staring back at me. Reminding me that this was what I wanted, wasn’t it?

I thought it was, but highschool is a petri dish for competition and the first semester of senior year can really make you feel unaccomplished. I’ve spent the last few days trying to work on my Common App in between classes, and instead of feeling proud of the things I’ve done in the past three years I just feel…

empty?

overwhelmed?

Somehow I feel both. They contradict one another, and yet there is no other way to describe it.

I’m filled with the emptiness of thinking I haven’t done enough. I’ve spent my highschool career preaching to myself the importance of being a high achiever, and yet as I fill out the activities section of the Common App, it just seems too empty, too disappointing,

My feelings of being overwhelmed extends beyond the obvious. I begin to think myself selfish for stressing over my own future when that of the world and multiple countries and groups hang in the balance.

What does it mean to be on the edge of 17, and ready to be pushed into a world filled with uncertainty?

I guess it means being a senior in 2020

And so yes,

I am a senior,

and I am afraid.

But maybe that’s ok. Maybe it’s a sign of my humanity. Maybe it’s a reminder that fear is temporary and that I won’t be a senior forever, so I should try to enjoy it while it lasts.