At the young age of 14, experiences feel everlasting. You make forever promises to friends, talk about college life together, and make silly videos to your future selves, but you never sit down to think that one single incident could put these dreams to a permanent halt.

In my case, I underwent this change when I went from touring my high school as an incoming freshman with my best friend to kissing her casket goodbye just a week later.

Ixchel Cruz was a miracle to both her family and friends. We met each other in August of 2021, fresh into our first year of middle school. Instantly, I noticed that she had a personality unlike anyone else I knew. She was able to tell her deepest secrets and craziest stories to me with ease, which made the next 3 years of friendship feel like a lifetime.

Ixchel made me feel understood and seen at a time when I felt unworthy. Conversations with her were like a breath of fresh air; she was so different.

I can distinctly remember a time in the seventh grade when I came to class sobbing, lacking confidence in myself. She, along with our best friend Alejandra, spent most of our class time making me a “feel better” card filled with caring messages, adorable doodles, and genuine love that I carry with me to this day. 

By the end of 8th grade, she was one of my closest friends. The excitement for high school intensified every week of that summer, until the long-awaited freshman orientation came. What was supposed to be a sweet start to my freshman year of high school, however, became a painful memory.

I hugged Ixchel for the last time without knowing it at around 11:30 in the morning as we left the orientation. The next day, I woke up to the sour and sudden news of her tragic passing. The words “I’m sorry for your loss” felt heavy and difficult to comprehend. 

In the time we spent together, I was extremely closed off. My friends often described me as being in a shell. I had the nagging habit of isolating myself, even from my own friends.

This, however, never worked when Ixchel was around. She always made sure I was included in a conversation or a group setting and noticed when I fell into my habit every time.

Her absence, although extremely difficult to navigate, taught me many valuable lessons. For one, I finally came to terms with the fact that I am not a burden to others.

Although I don’t hear a high-pitched, airy voice saying “what about you, Carla,” in conversations anymore, the feeling of unimportance has completely left me. In my mind, I get a persistent reminder every time I try to separate myself, telling me that I belong. 

Her passing shone a light on one of the most important and necessary truths that I would often deny: change is an irreversible part of life. 

In one of our favorite shows, Amphibia, the main character Anne Boonchuy says this, “Change can be difficult, but it’s how we grow. It can be the hardest thing to realize you can’t hold on to something forever. Sometimes, you have to let it go; but, of the things you let go, you’d be surprised what makes its way back to you.” 

As 13 year olds, I don’t think Ixchel or I truly understood the profundity of that message.

However, after the loss of my best friend, I see it in my day-to-day life. Pieces of her come back where I least expect them, and for that I am so grateful.

In my experience as a high school student so far, I’ve relished seeing parts of her personality, remnants of her lingo, or even hearing advice she’s given before to the new people I meet. In many ways, it is a heartfelt reminder that she will never truly leave my side.

If you were to have told my 11 year old self that meeting Ixchel in a random Snapchat group chat was the best thing to ever happen to me, I would have scoffed at you in disbelief.

I’ve learned so much from Ixchel, both when she was alive and now that she’s an angel by my side. Her extraverted and lavish nature has left a permanent imprint on the person I aspire to be.

Ixchel has become the glue that will forever connect my friends and me together, and I believe that connection will continue to strengthen as we venture off into our adult lives in a few years.

That shell I was so scared to let go of in the seventh grade has finally lifted from my back, and I find comfort in knowing that her memory will continue to shape me in the future. 

Thank you, Ixchel Cruz.